Itachi's Cheesecake
by Lil' DeiDei
Summary: Itachi wanders into the Akatsuki kitchen late one Saturday night, hoping to eat that delicious piece of cheesecake he purchased earlier in the day. However, someone got there before him, and has already finished eaten it. A strange conversation ensues.


The following story is brought to you by Jill's strange and slightly demented mind. The ideas within are all her own, though the characters are owned by Masashi Kishimoto.

This story is a result of eating a yummy New York Cheesecake at Macaroni Grill. If you've never had a piece of their cheesecake (or their ridiculously chocolately chocolate cake), Jill recommends you go there immediately after reading and reviewing this story. =)

This story doesn't really have a timeline thing. It just kind of exists...

**Itachi's Cheesecake**

Itachi walked through the Akatsuki hideout, heading for the kitchen. He passed Deidara and Tobi's room, trying to ignore the odd sounds coming from within.

"Deidara-senpai!" Tobi yelled. "Why won't you let me sleep with you?"

Itachi heard a loud grunt and a crash as Deidara seemingly threw Tobi into a wall, blew him up, or tried to suffocate him.

Quickly hurrying on, Itachi blocked his ears and hummed quietly to avoid hearing anything else the two had to say to one another.

"One hundred thousand, twenty-four, one hundred thousand, twenty-five," someone said.

"For crying out loud, Kakuzu!! Can't you do that somewhere else? I'm trying to sleep here!" Hidan yelled.

"I seem to remember somebody insisted on performing a Jashinist ritual at one o'clock in the morning yesterday, despite my protests for that someone to quit. Oh, yes, that someone is you. So shut up," Kakuzu said."Oh, look, you made me lose count. I guess I'll just have to start over again."

"Aaaaaaargh!" Hidan screamed.

_Geez, doesn't anyone go to sleep at night?_ Itachi thought, continuing his trek to the kitchen.

It was midnight, on a warm Saturday evening, and, for once, all the Akatsuki members were present in the hideout.

And Itachi decided he needed to eat the last piece of cheesecake before anyone else could get to it.

So he had snuck out of his and Kisame's bedroom, while Kisame was deep in a dream filled with finally discovering his long lost heritage while eating tuna fish sandwiches with his relatives.

He was almost at the kitchen when he heard something he definitely could not ignore, no matter how much he tried to block his ears.

Zetsu was talking in his sleep.

About a carrot.

Apparently, the carrot was very attractive, if Zetsu's sleepy comment of "I just want to eat you right up" said anything.

Either that, or Zetsu was just really hungry.

Itachi paused for a moment, idly wondering if it was still considered cannibalism if a plant-type creature thing wanted to eat a vegetable. He quickly shook his head to clear his thoughts, knowing he would have to get to the kitchen fast, otherwise someone else would eat the cheesecake. He still hadn't seen Konan or Pain, and either one of them could be sitting at the table, chowing down on _his_ cheesecake.

His yummy, chocolate covered, strawberry New York cheesecake.

The one he had specifically purchased that afternoon at the bakery for himself to eat. No one else.

Not that that would stop anyone, though. The members of Akatsuki really had no sense of personal property. It was ridiculous.

Itachi sighed, but continued walking. He was the second most sneaky member of Akatsuki (after Zetsu, the house spy), but there was still a chance that someone would leave their room and catch him.

Finally, the kitchen door came into view, and Itachi skipped happily toward the entrance way to his personal heaven, and was about to push the door open when he noticed the light shining through the gap at the bottom of the frame.

Itachi gasped. Someone was already in the kitchen! Someone got there ahead of him! He gasped again. What if the person was eating his cheesecake?!

The thought was too much for Itachi to bear. He activated his Sharingan, and slammed the door open. It crashed against the wall and the person at the table guiltily looked up.

"Huh!?" Itachi said, startled.

The person at the table came to his senses first. He shoveled the rest of the cheesecake into his mouth and licked the plate, set it in the dishwasher, added soap, turned the machine on, wiped his mouth, and then sat back down at the kitchen table all while Itachi was still standing in the doorway, a shocked expression on his face.

Finally, Itachi gained enough clarity to talk. "You—you—you ate my cheesecake!!!" he yelled at the intruder.

The intruder stared back, his dark eyes boring into Itachi's own. "Yes," he responded after a minute-long staring contest, which neither of the two won.

Itachi blinked. (Nevermind. The stranger won. Match: Stranger-1, Itachi-0) "You—you're admitting it?"

The dark-eyed man nodded. The fluorescent light of the kitchen made him look ill.

"Are you ill?" Itachi asked.

The man's brow furrowed in confusion. "Ill?" he asked. "Why would I be ill?"

"Well," Itachi started slowly, "you're really pale and you just ate a whole piece of cheesecake." This reminded Itachi of his initial mission to the kitchen and he suddenly became angry. Activating a higher level on his Sharingan to make himself appear more imposing, he glowered at the man and said darkly, "And that was _my_ cheesecake."

The man didn't move a muscle, not even to flinch or blink. Itachi was a little disappointed, but he thought going to the next level of his Sharingan would be moving things too quickly, so he instead focused on drawing his eyebrows even lower over his eyes while still keeping his eyes open so that he could watch the man.

"Oh, yes," the man said. "It was very nice."

This sent Itachi over the edge. He grabbed randomly at an item close to him (the doorknob), and attempted to fling it at the man, but it was unfortunately still attached to the door, and all he succeeded in doing was slamming the door in his own face.

Shaking his head to clear away the fuzzy stars, Itachi resumed his glaring match with the man, and tried to look imposing.

It is, Itachi learned, extremely difficult to have a glaring match with someone who isn't glaring back. And if you are attempting to look threatening while you are at it,the effect is lost when said person does not flinch at any of your scary faces. While even Pain would be on his knees begging for mercy by now, the man with the dark eyes who had eaten Itachi's prized cheesecake _inside_ of the Akatsuki hideout was unmoving.

Itachi was enraged. A small part of him was also curious as to how this man did it, and he made a mental note to ask later, but the larger part of Itachi's mind was pissed that his cheesecake had been stolen from him and he had only gotten to eat one piece before every other member of Akatsuki, and now this jerk, had come along and decided to eat the yummy creamy cheesy chocolately strawberry goodness.

Activating his Mangekyou Sharingan, Itachi moved towards the table, putting as much maliciousness and killing intent into each step as he could manage.

The man at the table still stared impassively back at him.

Itachi stalked forward like a dangerous tiger, intent on not only eating its prey, but ensuring that it suffered an unnecessarily violent, brutal, bloody, and painful death.

The man finally moved, and Itachi was about to scream out in joy that he had made an impact on the stoic person, when the other man crossed his arms and merely leaned back in his chair.

Itachi did cry out, but it was in pain and annoyance that this guy would not just feel threatened! Even Sasuke was not this bad, despite all his pathetic attempts to be "heartless."

Giving up on the evil appearance because it clearly wasn't working, Itachi slumped into a chair, exhausted from his efforts.

He glared slightly at the man, before finally asking what he really wanted to know. "How do you do it?" he said to the man.

The man's dark eyes widened slightly, and he turned his head a tiny amount to look at Itachi directly.

Itachi nearly shivered under the intent gaze of the man who had intruded the Akatsuki hideout, and most likely would not have been found if Itachi hadn't gotten the munchies, and again wondered how he was able to produce such an effect so effortlessly when Itachi had to focus all his energy on his evil appearance.

"Do what?" the man asked.

Itachi stared at him. "You know...how do you...how do you make yourself so threatening?" he asked.

The man blinked. Finally, some movement! Itachi had actually been wondering how the guy was able to refrain from blinking for so long; surely his eyes dried out after a while? "Oh, that?" the man said, drawing Itachi out of his thoughts. "I don't know."

Itachi would have growled, if anyone else had provided that answer. However, with this man, he didn't think it was a good idea. Instead he said, "Well, can you give me some tips?"

The man reached down to his weapons pouch, and Itachi tensed, expecting an attack. He shifted his arm slightly, and the hidden kunai in his sleeve flicked down to his waiting hand.

The man looked at him for a second, as if he knew what Itachi had just done, before he pulled his own arm back up, a book in his hand.

"Hmm," the man said as he flipped open the book and began reading.

Itachi glanced at the cover, a little surprised at the title. Honestly, what kind of person needs to read stuff like that?

The man turned the page of his book, and glanced up at Itachi. "Do you need something?" he asked, as if Itachi was the one trespassing, not the other way around.

"What are you doing here?" Itachi burst out. He was still hoping to learn the man's secret of intimidation, but he would settle for any information he could retrieve from this guy.

"Oh. I came for the cheesecake." The man turned the page of his book again, and ignored Itachi.

"How did you know about the cheesecake?" Itachi asked, deeply curious.

"I have my ways," the man said mysteriously.

This answer also did not satisfy Itachi, but he recognized that patience was the only way to get through this man. He stood up and got himself a glass of milk, then turned toward the man, holding the container out in question.

"No, thanks," the man said, "I had one with my cheesecake."

Itachi blinked, but said nothing, knowing it was pointless. Instead, he nodded, and took a sip of his own milk, before once again seating himself at the table.

The man glanced up from his book, and Itachi once again felt unnerved. "Tell you what," the man began, "I will tell you why I am here, if you will give me more cheesecake."

Itachi blinked again. "That was the last piece," he said.

The man looked over at the fridge sadly. "Oh."

Itachi nodded, not really sure what else to say.

"Got any cookies?" the man asked.

"Um..." Itachi stared.

The man got up and decided to check the fridge and cabinets himself. Itachi knew he probably should not allow someone outside of the Akatsuki to just wander around and eat the organization's food, but he didn't want to cross this man. Even being on what appeared to be this dark-eyed man's good side was scary, and Itachi hated to think of what an angry version of this man was like.

"Are Animal Crackers all you have?" the man demanded.

"Um, no," Itachi said, "there's some Sunny D in the fridge. And hotdogs in the freezer." Itachi pointed in the direction of the food.

The man stomped towards the freezer and open the door. "Why are there bodies in here?" he asked.

"Oh, that's because Hidan saves his bodies from his sacrifices for Zetsu to eat when he gets hungry," Itachi replied, glad he could answer this one satisfactorily.

"Right," the guy replied. He looked a little put off at the thought of food, though, if his sudden lack in color and swift back-tracking were anything to go by.

_Hmm_, Itachi thought. _I have found his weakness! Dead bodies stored in a freezer!_ Itachi mentally wrote this down, in case he had to use Mangekyou later on. It was important, for the illusion to succeed, to make sure that his images were mentally scarring to the people he inflicted them on.

"Well, you asked earlier what I was doing here, so I think I will tell you. You were, after all, kind enough to let me have the last piece of cheesecake and a glass of milk, and though your other food options were not, ahem, my favorite types of food, you did try to help," the man said.

"Uh, thanks?" Itachi said, confused. He didn't really need this guy to give him a whole summary of what had just happened. He was present, after all.

"It should be 'you're welcome'," the man corrected him.

"Yeah, right," Itachi said, now totally lost.

"Anyway, I came here to get information about this organization, but I can't resist a good piece of cheesecake, and my Cheesecake Sensor told me there was a Chocolate Strawberry New York Cheesecake in the fridge, and I just had to eat it. I got a little distracted from my mission..." the man said, looking slightly sheepish.

"Okay?" Itachi said, trying to follow the thread of the conversation.

"So, I was eating the cheesecake when you came in."

"Who are you?" Itachi asked. He had a vague feeling he had already tried asking this earlier, but the man seemed more chatty now, so Itachi tried his luck.

"Me?" the man said. "I am Yamato."

Itachi blinked. That name meant nothing to him. "All right..." he responded slowly.

"Of ANBU?" the man continued. Itachi got the impression that he was supposed to know who this was, based on the way the man said his last statement.

"Right," he agreed, thinking that was the safest course of action.

"In Konoha?" the man's voice changed slightly, and, on someone else, it would have been almost desperate, but on this guy, it just sounded...irritated.

Itachi gulped. "Right!" he exclaimed. "You're Yamato of Konoha ANBU! Of course!" he said, repeating everything the man just told him in a manner that made it sound as though he recognized him.

Apparently, it worked because the man smiled, but Itachi still had no idea who the heck he was. "Right," the man responded.

"...So," Itachi began after a long moment of awkward silence. "What brings you to the Akatsuki hideout, Yamato?" he asked as if they were old friends seeing each other after a long vacation, or some such break in contact.

"Oh, well, as I said, I'm here to gather information on the Akatsuki. You know," he said, suddenly looking thoughtful, "it would be a lot easier if I could just interview you, and you tell me everything I need to know. Rather than me walking around trying to figure it out for myself."

Itachi nodded slowly. "Yes, that does sound true." _I can only imagine what would happen if Pain found out about this guy..._ "What do you want to know?"

Yamato smiled. "Where did you get this cheesecake?"


End file.
